Howard Eyrich, DMin. FELLOW and Member of the Academy–ACBC
The Question
Over the years, it has become my custom early in a marriage counseling case to ask the couple, “Could you please tell me what occurred as you stood before the pastor, the judge, or the Justice of Peace on your wedding day?” The couple thinks if they do not say it, “Why would you ask this question when the obvious answer is, “We got married!” I responded, “Yes, I think we all know that, but I want to know, what occurred when that person walked you through the ceremony?” To this clarified question, all too often, the answer is a blank stare or the role of the eyes as they turn to each other. Here is the conclusion. Even Evangelical Christians are ignorant of this vital knowledge. That ignorance leads to undervaluing the marital relationship.
So, what did you do and/or what will you do on the wedding day? Let me walk you through the ceremony as I do my counselees.
Covenant One with God
There are three vows exchanged on that day. The first vow has become most often referred to as the vow of intent and looked upon as simply a public declaration of the couple to take each as husband and wife. That is a feeble view of this vow and does not provide much foundation for what is to follow. In yesteryear, when a person’s word was their bond, it may have been a bit better, but rather like saying, “I swear with my hand on myself that I will….”
No, this first vow is a vow made directly to God. When I officiate at a wedding, I ask this first question in this manner. “Will you, Howard, covenant with God to take this woman, Pamela, to be your lawfully wedded wife?” Upon the appropriate reply, “Pamela, will you covenant with God to take this man, Howard, to be your lawfully wedded husband?” In this understanding, there was much more going on here than a human pledge or state-sanctioned contract when Pam and I vowed before her Pastor when he asked those questions. A covenant is a contract in which God prescribes the parameters. Those parameters here are one man, and one woman united into one to live out those parameters of the relationship.
Procedure to Education the Congregation
Two more comments here. First, I will have walked this couple carefully through this understanding in premarital counseling. Second, I will inform them that I will use the occasion of their making this covenant with God and occasion to instruct the congregation to capture the opportunity to educate others on what they have done, whether they were aware of it or not. Therefore, at this juncture in the ceremony, I do just that.
Covenant Two Between the Couple
In the ceremony, we now move to the second covenantal vow. It is customary to have the couple face one another at this point. This is both symbolic and practical. They speak to each other and make vows to each other. Upon the prior, they faced the officiating individual because he represented God. It is symbolic because it means their ongoing practice of intimate communication in which they share their hearts and innermost thoughts with each other. I am often asked (sometimes told), “We desire to write our vows.” I respond, “That would be fine; here are the must-have components, and I must see them in advance. Why the must haves? In these vows, the couple exchanges the structure of the parameters of God’s prescription of the content of the marriage covenant. The minimum that must be expressed is faithfulness, love, leadership by the husband, and followership of the wife for as long as we both shall live.
Covenant Three Witness to the World
God does not prescribe the third covenant the couple will make. The giving and exchange of rings, however, is our cultural representation of the promise to keep ourselves wholly for one another. We follow God’s modeling in that He gave us the indwelling Holy Spirit as His pledge to us. When I officiate, I will slip off my ring and hold it up to introduce the ceremony of exchanging rings and explain that in wearing the ring, each is saying to the watching world, “Don’t mess with me; I am taken!” (Yes, that is how I say it!)
The Ceremony
All this covenant-making is interspersed with prayer, homily, and, depending upon the personalities, humor and laughter.
I have several handouts in premarital counseling that pack the vow-taking with biblical explanation and content. I desire that each couple grasp the solemnness of the content of the ceremony. I desire they will never be without a pregnant answer when someone asks, “What occurred in your wedding ceremony?” Even more importantly, when life’s inevitable struggles or temptations occur, understanding these vows will provide “a way of escape” (I Cor 10:1-13). A good understanding of these wows can serve as an inward restraint when one or the other finds themselves thrown into a situation where someone of the opposite sex stirs their attraction. They can find strength to cut it off at the proverbial pass.
A Tool for Marriage Counseling
Sometime about a decade ago, a couple came to counseling. They were in their early 30s and had two children. The husband was disappointed in his wife, who was not appreciative of his efforts to adequately provide for the family as she was accustomed to growing up. Hence, he had developed an emotional affair at the office. He felt obligated to come to counseling but informed the counselor that he would not return. After gathering data in addition to the PDI (personal date inventory instrument), the counselor asked the question, “Could you please tell me what you think you did the day you got married?” Both gave inadequate answers even though her father was an elder in a very good church. The counselor continued by walking them through the contents of this blog. He closed the session in prayer and set an appointment for the wife to return with an open invitation to the husband to join her.
The husband came with her to the next session. When asked what motivated him to return today, he replied, “After that speech on the covenants, I had to come back.”
Conclusion
When rightly understood, the power of the Word of God is amazing.
Implementation
It is a healthy exercise for couples to periodically review the wonders of the covenants of marriage. When I do a wedding, I aim to refresh this wonder for the marital congregates and to instruct the singles to create anticipation of entering this God-given arrangement of security for the couple and their offspring.