Introduction
I had a well-educated professional couple in my counseling office many years ago. Both professed to be believers from childhood and regular attenders at evangelical churches. They argued in my presence and indicated that it was characteristic of their marriage. I allowed their argument to run its course to observe the dynamics. Then, I employed a technique I learned by observing Jay Adams. At an intensity just above theirs, I call out, WOE! This startled them, and they ceased the argument. Before they could revive it, I said, “May I read a passage of Scripture.” I turned to the book of James and read 4:1-5. When I looked up, the wife was crying. When she gained control, she asked, “Why has no one ever pointed me to that passage?
By now, my friends, you have surely realized, as did this couple, that arguing does not work. You may get your way, but it will be at the cost of losing intimacy with your spouse, teen, or good friend. It may cost your relationship with your neighbor or team member. Consider James chapter four with me and allow the Holy Spirit to give you insight into this failed common strategy.
Consider first James’s portrait of this strategy
A paraphrase of the first two verses may aid your understanding. “The source of your arguing and fighting is your determination to be right, to get your way. Within you is this war—there is the realization that your demand is wrong, and your conscience is also trying to reign you in. But you yield to the demand voice at the expense of seriously damaging your relationship (at times to the point of a physical attack). The bottom line is you are envious (you know the other person is right), and you are willing to fight to subdue them. Oh, you foolish person. It would be much more profitable to ask for your viewpoint to be considered.”
Consider your likely response to James’s portrait and his response
But I am asking, and she/he is not listening, you shout! To which James points out, “No, my friend, you are willing to manipulate to win (spend it on your pleasures, i.e., have your desires) (3).
Consider James’s analysis of your behavior
You are acting like the unbelieving world, which means you are choosing to put yourself in the position of being the enemy of God. That conscience side of the inward warfare is the Holy Spirit God sent to indwell you1. Notice the James’s quote from Proverbs 3:342.
Consider James’s two-fold solution (8-12)
- Submit to God, which he delineates in verses eight through twelve.
- Draw near to God
- Purify your hands (works)
- Purify your hearts, and don’t profess following Jesus while following your own way (doubled-minded).
- Be miserable (mourn, weep, gloomy, heartbroken.
- Humble yourself before God, and He will exalt you (as Paul says, peace beyond understanding [Phil 4:7]).
- Resist the devil. Fellow apostle Peter sheds additional light on this instruction in 5:8-9.
- Be on the alert—Applying this to James’s instruction means being aware that your determination to have it your way is the devil’s tool, so don’t fall for it.
- Be sober-minded—Peter uses this admonition three times in his book, writing to people who are being persecuted for their faith. Although they were on the right side, Peter gave them instructions like James’s.3
Consider James’s Warning 13-17
Using a business model, James instructs the average person demanding his way to realize they are being foolish–demanding to have it my way at whatever cost, never considering that the Lord is watching. He instructs again, saying, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and also do this or that.” For a demanding individual, it is, if the Lord wills for it to go my way. (15)
Now comes the impact of the warning (16-17). Not only are you operating out of pride4 (6) When demanding to have it your way, you boast in your arrogant schemes.5 (16). This leads to this conclusion, “Therefore, to the one who knows the right thing to do (not demand your way) and does not do it, to him/her it is sin. We can spin our behavior and gaslight the other person, but God’s judgment is it is a sin!
Implementation
- Practice patience when approaching a hot issue.
- Have another orientation and consider their perspective.
- Practice humility by recognizing your tendency to be self-focused.
- Ask for the opportunity to present your view and your specific desire and do so respectfully.
- Be prepared to listen to your wife, neighbor, or friend, and remember that their views and specific desires are important to them.
- Be prepared, so long as it is not a moral issue, to comprise to benefit the other. In the process, you gain God’s approval and the relationship of your partner, neighbor, or friend.
- John 14: 15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. ↩︎
- Proverbs 3:34 He mocks proud mockers but shows favor to the humble and oppressed. ↩︎
- See 1 Peter 2:13 and 4:7-8 ↩︎
- The Greek word here has the idea of “with an overweening estimate of one’s means or merits (I deserve), despising others or even treating them with contempt, haughty.” ↩︎
- The Greek word differs from 4:6, which is translated as proud. This word has the idea of “an impious and empty presumption which trusts in the stability of earthly things.” ↩︎