Observation
Pam and I have often remarked to one another about our observation of folks who fair well, even excel, in their work world, but who seem incapable of managing their personal lives. I wish I could say that this malady only occurs in the unchurched general populace but cannot. No, all too often this syndrome of even those who profess to be evangelicals.
Diagnosis
From time to time, I’ve offered this observation to classes of counseling students and followed up with the question, “How would you account for this phenomenon?” With certainty, the most frequent answer proposed is poor parenting or unfortunate modeling by one or more parent.
My follow up question is this, “Who then is responsible for these folks’ inability to manage their lives?” Is it their parents? This question produces some varied proposals, but ultimately classes agree that the dysfunctional person is responsible. They are correct.
Then we will discuss the question, “Do the parents have any responsibility?” Again, after some discussion, the class will conclude that the parents bear responsibility before God. Parents are accountable for their failing to do and be what God called them to do, but the child of these folks is responsible for their own behavior.
For example, a counselee whose parents divorced after a tumultuous marriage when she was twelve developed a pattern of turning over her thoughts repeatedly feeding an internal seething that periodically reaches the boiling point. Who is responsible for the pattern? “Well,” when asked that question in counseling she answered, “I want to say they are, but I really know that I am.”
Solution
Cultivation of a personal mindset as admonished by the Apostle Paul in Philippians 2 creates an internal atmosphere to develop a plan for a solution.
Therefore, if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in very nature[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
First, it is necessary to differentiate who is responsible for what. So long as this counsel shifted the blame to her parents, she had an excuse, reason, in her mind, therefore, no responsibility. However, reviewing the blameshift of Adam and Eve was useful in helping her assign responsibility. Satan was held responsible for distorting God’s Word and tempting Eve. Eve was held responsible for yielding to the temptation and Adam, for his failure to lead and protect Eve. Adam’s, “the woman who you gave me,” and Eve’s “the devil made me do it” did not relieve either for their responsibility.
Second, once a person owns their responsibility (culpability) they have taken the first step to a solution.
Third, learning to choose to not “stuff” things and not turn on the “dwelling machine” must be replaced with a constructive response to the provocation. For example, exercising a two-step action plan. This begins with a prayer of repentance followed by replacing the tendency to dwell by writing a card for the offending spouse expressing one’s appreciation for the many admirable traits they possess, or the hard work invested in caring for you or care for the home.
Conclusion
The same chapter of Philippians challenges us:
12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. 14 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation
Taking responsibility for oneself, before the Lord, to be moving forward in sanctification is the responsibility of each individual believer. Though it is God’s will for us (Thess 4:3), it is our responsibility to engage in effecting it. Hence, progressing in sanctification is the ultimate solution though it occurs in increments as we exercise our responsibility and empower by our freedom in Christ (Rom 6:1-11, Acts 1:8, Luke 24:49).
(*All Scripture quotes from NIV).
