Introduction:
If you read my book, The Art of Aging, you will find a discussion of the myths of aging. I have found that identifying the myths that culture produces is an important task. Here we consider the myths about marriage. As a freshman at a state university, my granddaughter was required to take the course Marriage and Family in Global Perspective. As my son commented, Wokeness102. In this class, she was exposed to several new myths.
I invite you to join the Marriage Myth Buster Club as a conscious member.
Number One:
My sexual challenges will be over. My wonderful spouse meets my every need. Unfortunately, too many men see marriage as the fix for their sexual lust. At the same time, a high percentage of women find their husband’s preoccupation with sexual playfulness irritating after the first year of marriage. Whereas all too often, though genuinely finding their wives holistically attractive, they inadvertently communicate that sexual activity is their priority in the relationship. There can be little doubt that pornography and the movie/television industry have contributed to this environment and this phenomenon for both men and women.
Sexuality is the unique experience between a husband and a wife. While the medical knowledge of our contemporary world has identified in detail how this physiological system functions, this information does not account for the spiritual component, nor the individual personality components.
Myth Two:
My wife or husband will make me whole, make me the person I’ve always desired to be. Or he will be my source of strength. This is not true for Christians or non-Christians. Coming to Jesus as Lord and Savior does not accomplish this task. While God has created marriage as an institution in which men and women find complementary satisfaction, spouses cannot provide for each other what only God can.
Such thinking leads to unhealthy dependence, often referred to as enmeshment in marriage and family counseling. Enmeshment occurs when one or both individuals are operating by this myth. When only one lives up to this expectation, the other often becomes dissatisfied with that partner’s weakness, loses respect for them, and becomes a vulnerable target for drifting into an affair or divorce. This drifting may not be the outcome for the Christian committed to keeping the wedding vows. Still, over time, 3 to 5 years, this will generate disappointment in the marriage, a difficulty in practicing the one-anothering necessary for a functioning marriage. It may prompt the dependent partner to leave the marriage in search of someone who can make them whole.
The complementarity of Christian marriage enables both the husband and the wife to minister to each other. However, becoming ONE that God created in the wedding covenant is the product of each functioning by the framework that God prescribes in the Scriptures for marriage and for individuals growing in their relationship with Jesus Christ through the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit.
This myth gives birth to an impossible expectation. There is abundant research confirming the reality that unmet expectations (realistic or unrealistic) produce an unhappy marriage. This expectation must be recalibrated, ideally during premarital counseling or at the earliest opportunity in the relationship. However, as Dr. Reeder often observed, regular attendance in worship and small groups is the key to recalibrating our spiritual understanding and correcting our personal Christian life deficiencies, so we must help the couple realize that it is only through their own individual internal-thinking-believing recalibration on a regular basis that they will grow into a whole person.
Myth Three
My Life Will Be Ideal. From Cinderella to Hallmark, each generation has perpetuated the myth that they lived happily ever after to some degree. Few folks consciously think this way, yet the myth persists to some extent. The reality is that, in some respects, life is harder than it was when you were single. A husband now must think and plan to provide for his wife. Every time they have a sexual encounter, there is the nagging fear of an unexpected pregnancy. When her job requires his attractive wife to travel, there is a concern for her safety. When he is passed over for that promotion or loses that sale that would have made a bonus this quarter, and the $1500 does not materialize in the paycheck, she finds the nagging question of his competence raising its ugly head.
Sometimes, for a wife, it is the irritating, uncouth habits he now displays that he previously covered up or are just evident because they live in the same space. Sometimes they are always late because she just can’t get it together to be ten minutes early, which is his being on time.
My life will often be ideal, which becomes a problem because the ideal is an unrealistic expectation. Other times, it is a problem because the mate isn’t who they portrayed themselves to be. Whatever the case, maybe it spells trouble.
For the Christian, is there a sense in which marriage is ideal? The answer is yes, absolutely, but! God designs marriage to unite two people into one. It is a pre-fall covenantal ordinance. When the man and the woman walk in fellowship with Jesus and enter this covenant with full commitment to live it out in their relationship, it produces an ideal. However, that ideal does not exist without challenges, as does not a single life. There is sickness. There are accidents. There are sometimes moral failures. There are political disturbances that cause unhelpful economic conditions. In these circumstances, the ideal is experienced in mutual support, caring, pulling together, forgiving, and encouraging. It comes in the form of being accepted for one’s foibles. As the writer of Lamentations put it, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” The Cord of Three Strands represents God, the groom, and the bride – braiding these three strands symbolizes the joining of one man, one woman, and God in marriage. This is the ideal, the marriage prepared for life in a fallen world. It is not the mythological ideal of happily ever after.
Myth Four
Now we live together, enjoy sex, and play together, and everything we have had so far keeps getting better. Well, maybe, sometimes to some extent! This myth is akin to the ideal myth. There is an expectation that marriage is what no relationship can ever be on this side of heaven between two human beings.
You see, this is what we all desire. It is the utopic residue that is a byproduct of our being created in the image of God. Deep down inside all of us, even the vilest criminal, is this utopic desire for everything to be ideal, everything to keep getting better. Humankind has striven for this throughout history. Political leaders use this innate desire to promote socialism. They propagate the idea of equity, where everyone shares in this wonderful world together, and the naïve, unthinking person accepts the myth. Unfortunately, human nature desires this utopia without taking responsibility to earn it in the political arena and, all too often, in marriage.
The reality is there is no utopia in a fallen world, not in the political world, and not in marriage. In marriage, what the young couple has experienced together prior to marriage can continue to improve. But better is not the ideal of this myth or the previous one. But better requires work. It requires the work of Philippians 1:6 Paul teaches us that we can be confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ, and then in 2:12, he teaches us to “continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His purpose.” These verses are not in conflict. These verses are the heart of the sanctification process. And they are the heart of a growing, maturing, enjoyable marriage.
As each partner cooperates with the Spirit of God in their individual lives and works together in their marital life, their lives and the life of their marriage will get better and better even when struck with the ugly impacts of life in a fallen world. However, unless the couple understands this biblical truth, they will be frustrated by this myth.
Myth Five
Having children will unify our marriage and bring us marital joy as we parent together. While there is a biblical mandate to multiply, having or not having children does not determine marital happiness. Children certainly add joy to marriage; they are not the determiner of that happiness. In fact, children often bring significant challenges to marriage through various variants such as learning difficulties, health issues, and deviant behavior like rejecting faith and other parental values.
Myth Six
Not disclosing past indiscretions is best since my mate will never have to deal with them. While every detail of a past-wavered life need not be rehearsed, to whitewash or shrug off the past as unimportant is a mistake. It is wise to allow the prospective mate to process this reality before saying “I do” rather than risking the past to be unveiled post-marriage and the mate left feeling like “I’ve been duped!” Better to risk losing the beloved before the wedding than two or five years later when the ugly reality is uncovered. Transparency is always the best policy, before and after the altar.
Myth Seven
In-law relationships will become one big happy family. For this writer, my in-laws were mother and daddy even before the wedding. For my wife, while not a rancheros relationship with my father, it certainly was not a very embracing relationship. My Mother was a quiet and reserved personality. She loved Pam, but there was no closeness like what I had with her mother, who became one of my best friends.
To enter marriage with the expectation that one will have a relationship with in-laws as one does with one’s parents, or to have a relationship with the in-laws like one wished one had with one’s parents, is to make one’s marital happiness dependent upon other people’s choices. In-law relationships are best established by accepting them for who they are. They will have their uniqueness. Choose a pathway of adaptation. Seek wisdom from the Lord, enter discussions with your mate, listen to each other, and be flexible.
Conclusion
Seven is not the magic number. As you read this blog, no doubt another myth or two may pop into your mind. I am sure that I’ll add it to this list, but as of today, these seven will stir your thinking. No doubt you have identified with one or more of these as part of your life experience. People frequently have bought into one or more of these myths and are not aware of their fallacious nature. No doubt you have known a friend, even been in the wedding party, who expressed belief in the credence of one of these myths. Whatever the case, you need to consider becoming a member of the Marriage Myth Buster Club.