Introduction
Here are some of the reasons people are taught the popular idea of setting boundaries:
• I am Feeling emotionally exhausted in this relationship with you.
• Whenever I walk away from time with you, I often feel difficulty guilty.
• You imply by words or actions that I am responsible for your emotions or decisions.
• You stir up resentment in me and thereby frustrate our relationships.
• Living with you keeps me overwhelmed by your expectations.
What is a person supposed to know when any of the foregoing, or combination thereof, leaves one struggling to prioritize their personal life and emotional self? The answer, in some manner, will be for this person to build a fence to limit the access of others to their lives. Such a stance can wreak devastation in a marriage or any family or social relationship.
The Conundrum
The reasons listed above are many times real, not imagined. However, the question is this: Issetting boundaries to protect me a biblically appropriate approach?
Mary is a verbal processor. Her husband, Jake, is an internal processor. When Mary is talking with Jake about a potential family vacation, she tends to throw five ideas at him when he walks in from work at 5:30 after a 40-minute commute each way and an intense eight hours at work. Mary’s first husband died suddenly leaving this attractive lady with three children. Jake was excited when Mary responded to his dinner invitation. After all, he had his military career behind him, a good job as a military contractor, and he really took to her children. To top it off, to her he was an “exceptionally good-looking guy”, as she put it.
Desperate Jake
Now, three years into the marriage, her verbal processing was no longer fascinating, it was downright frustrating. He has befriended a military chaplain whom he took to lunch one day and asked, “What do I do with this woman and her incessant churning out of ideas?” The Chaplain was known around the base as “the counselor.” He listened to Jake’s woes and said he needed to set boundaries to protect his sanity.
He suggested that Jake sit her down and tell her, “I am setting boundaries on your idea factory. Here is how it is going to work:
1) You will not unload your ideas on me when I walk in from work. You will wait until the children go to bed. You will then have 15 minutes to talk, and we will stop and watch TV.
2) When I reach overload, I will give you the time/out signal and you will cease talking.
3) I recommend that you write down all your many ideas, spend internal time analyzing them so when you present them you can give me the rationale for each one.
This way you will not grow to resent her and you will not just shut down on her.
So, what is the problem with setting these boundaries? It is simply this; they are all about Jake and pressing Mary into his mold.
Okay, what is Jake to do? Are those issues listed above in play? Absolutely. So, what is the solution? Mutually building some structures to their communication process that are mutually beneficial and mutually satisfying. In the suggestion of the Chaplain, it is all about Jake takingaction to tell Mary how life is going to operate. In so doing, he simply transfers the frustrations he has been experiencing to Mary. She will find herself wrestling with resentment and bitterness.
Building structures that are mutually beneficial?
First, Jake needs to use his internal processing skills to analyze the situation. He will likely need some help doing this. I remember counseling a lawyer and his wife some years ago. When it was pointed out that he was an internal processor and his wife external, he pondered (internally processed) that for about a minute or two sitting quietly and responded, “Wow! That makes sense.” Then he turned to her and said, “Do you see that as clearly as I do?” She responded with about five sentences which could have been, “Yes, it does make sense.”
He then observed, “I guess this is why I’m good in court. I process everything in my head. Then when I speak, I give a tightly reasoned closing statement that most of the time wins the day.” You, on the other hand, were not successful as a trial lawyer because you verbalize everything and gave the opposing attorney lots of ammunition. But you have been a very successful teacher because you verbalize the process of trying the case.
Then he looked at her and asked, “How can we use our strengths to improve our relationship instead of frustrating each other. From this point on, my job was to moderate the meeting of the minds as they worked out structures for communicating.
Conclusion
Are there any times that boundaries are appropriate for Christians? Yes, three immediately come to mind.
1) To deal with deliberately divisive or disorderly people. In Romans 16:17 and 2 Thessalonians 3:6, Paul tells believers to keep away from or mark those who cause divisions or live a disorderly life contrary to the teachings received.
2) Refrain from associating with those who are living immorally (I Corinthians 5:11, 15:33, Proverbs 13:20, 26:13-16)
3) Refrain from facilitating life for the lazy slugger (2 Thessalonians 3:10).
In more than fifty years of counseling, much of those hours with couples or families rarely were necessary. In many instances, mutually beneficial structures were.
Implementation
Reserve utilizing boundaries limitedly. Work with people to facilitate their building and agree on mutually beneficial structures. Even with children, work with them to see the error of their ways, or the uniqueness of each other and with mutual respect (love your neighbor) help them through the process.
I remember one occasion when my son was about six. He was developing an unacceptable habitthat led to discipline. We sat down on the back deck, and the conversation went something like this:
“David, every time I find you doing _________, what do I do?”
“You discipline me.”
“Yes, I do. And what is the reason I discipline you?”
“You don’t like it” was his answer.
To this, I responded, “is that the reason I told you I discipline you?”
At this point he squirmed a bit and replied, “No. Because Jesus is not pleased.”
“That is right, son.” I replied, “so, how can we come up with a way to help to choose not to do what is not pleasing to Jesus or Dad?”
“I can let you keep my shovel locked up so I must ask before I go digging in the backyard.”
We agreed.
