When asked to fill a pulpit recently, I prayerfully went to my computer list of sermons and chose “Assumptions, the Fuel of Conflict,” based on I Chronicles 19. Narrative and Proverbs 13:10 warning. The church had a fellowship lunch following the morning service. A young man and officer of the church shook my hand and said, “Thank you, this church needed that right now.” Then a godly woman approached me and said, “Thank you,” with a knowing look. Assumptions had generated conflict.
A couple from my Sunday School found out that I was preaching, so they went to early service and Sunday School at our church and then showed up for this service. We were talking after the service. My wife observed that the husband was blushing and commented to him. He replied, “Yes, well, that message got to me.”
The narrative of 1 Chronicles 19 tells the story of an intended good deed about which some men made assumptions which led to rash actions that generated conflict. I used two counseling cases and two movies to illustrate how frequently assumptions lead to rash actions that generate conflict.
The Lord certainly was in my prayerful choice to preach that sermon. Several years ago, I had a similar experience when I was President of Birmingham Theological Seminary. My wife and I visited student and faculty churches in the summer. Pam was not well one Sunday, so I visited one of our larger black churches. I intended to slip in unnoticed and greet the pastor after the service. However, he saw me slip in and tapped me on the shoulder, saying, “You don’t come here and not work. You come to my office, and while you and the Lord decide what you will preach, I will lead in worship.”
I keep two sermons in my Bible, mostly for times like these. I prayed, debated, and chose a sermon on anxiety. Before I preached, I greeted the congregation on behalf of the seminary and thanked them for their support. Then, I explained that I carry two always-ready-to-go sermons and prayerfully consider which to preach. These are friendly folks, and many wanted to greet me. I was nearly the last person to leave the church. As I walked toward my car, a young woman came back from her car. She said, “I am the one for whom you were here today. I needed that message.”
I will close with this counseling illustration and this list of verses. George loved Mandy intensely. However, George’s anger issues made life wearisome for Mandy during the first five years of their marriage. Her boss at the auto assembly plant was more emotionally attuned than George, so Mandy often shared her frustrations with him. As frequently happens when people commiserate, their relationship matured into an affair.
However, Manday was a believer, so the Holy Spirit brought her to her knees, and she repented, coming to George to seek forgiveness. George said, ‘I forgive you.’ However, he assumed that she was not trustworthy, so any unaccounted-for time, he assumed she was cheating on him. Conversely, Mandy lived in fear, assuming he would terrorize her with his anger.
The result was that when they came into counseling, the conflict was out of control. There was much for them to learn, but the first thing we had to deal with was their tendency to conduct their relationship based on assumptions.
In closing, if you tend to operate from assumptions or know someone who does, consider these references as I read them, so you have them for later use.
Matthew 7:1 ESV
“Judge not, that you be not judged.
Proverbs 13:10 (NASB)
“Through presumption comes nothing but strife, but with those who receive counsel is wisdom.”
Proverbs 18:2 ESV
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
Proverbs 18:13 ESV
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame, to him.
John 7:24 ESV
Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.
2 Timothy 1:7 ESV
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
So here is my point from the counselor’s corner: Prayerfully approach every conversation, counseling session, teaching opportunity, and preaching invitation. Depend on the Spirit of God to help you interpret the words you hear and lead in the words you speak, the material choices to present and remain flexible to adapt to the unexpected. One further word, clarify rather than assumptify.