Howard Eyrich, MA, ThM, DMin,1
There are three major categories of grief work. The sooner one takes up the challenge, the sooner they will gain their equilibrium. Lingering self-pity, inaction, and anger complicate living for the griever and their loved ones (family, fellow believers, and community).
These three categories, while organized logically below, do not occur sequentially but are moving parts of the integrated whole experience. While much of the current advice emanating from our psychologized society is not only questionable but often a contributor to the angst of grief, there is one common thread that is worth hearing. It is this. Do not make any major life-altering decisions within the first year of your loss, like moving or remarrying. Of course, there are some instances where a move is necessary. For example, a wheelchair dependent person whose spouse or child enabled them to live in their current residence.
Remember
- Remember to be human. You may experience any or all the following:
- Shock and numbness2
- Sadness
- Fear
- Anger
- Loneliness
- Guilt
- Regrets
- Feeling displaced or confused
- Hopeless
Not all these emotional responses are sinful, though we can allow them to become sinful. As believers, our faith in our sovereign God sets the parameters for managing our emotional responses. We are indwelt by the Holy Spirit to empower us to, for example, be angry and not sin. Or, to find ourselves lonely and seek support from the body of Christ. Or to be fearful but determined to appropriate the truth of Proverbs 3:5-6.
- Remember the person—appropriately lament your loss
Unfortunately, this very godly practice of lamenting, which expresses deep sorrow, grief, or even regret, all too often becomes a detention pond. Rather than being processed, the loss becomes an odious, disabling complication of life. While not advocating a specific ritual, there was some wisdom in the ancient biblical world in having a set framework for lamenting. For example, in Deuteronomy 34:8, the children of Jacob observed a mourning period: “The Israelites grieved for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days, until the time of weeping and mourning was over.” In Jewish culture, a normal mourning period for a person was seven days. In Genesis, Joseph observed a seven-day period of mourning for his father. Remember the good times and dispense with regrets.
- Remember to execute the necessary
As we just observed, if you read Genesis 50, Joseph buried his father, mourned, and then got up and did the necessary. In our culture, this means executing all government requirements to resolve financial issues, providing for dependents, and earning a living.
Reengage
- Religious life—church, fellowship, service
For the professing Christian, this is important on multiple levels. Level one, at this juncture in life, you need the support of fellow believers (love, care, prayer). Level two: if you drop out, you leave a hole that someone must fill. Furthermore, serving others is a healing ointment. Level three, you need to hear the word preached and taught.
- Family life—praying, caring, serving, supporting, all intermingled with those who are integral to your love clan. If you have children, grieving well and adjusting well models what it looks like to walk in the environment of God.
- Civil life—execute government requirements (get assistance as needed). If your grief event happens to come in voting season, discipline yourself to educate yourself and vote; every vote counts, even when it is dripping with grief.
Retool
- By reorganizing
- Where will you live?
- How you will handle the belongings of the deceased and the “stuff” of the deceased.
- Will you return to employment, return to school, retire, and take up a second career? If you have had a major loss, these are issues that will press in upon you during that first year, but in most instances, this is a time to pray and not to jump. However, investigating options (sometimes forced upon one by the circumstances), pray about them, perhaps recruit a prayer team of two or three trusted friends to regularly pray with you, or even discuss options.
- No doubt daily routines will need altering for a variety of reasons.
- Again, if there is a major loss, such as the death of a spouse, a home destroyed by fire, or an accident resulting in loss of mobility, a variety of life reorganizing will be necessary.
- By redirecting life
The type and character of your loss will, to some extent, determine whether to redirect your life. The loss of a spouse, whether by death or divorce, will likely call for an immediate redirection of your life. Securing employment may be necessary. Securing childcare may be an immediate necessity. Yes, not making major decisions in the first year is the rule, but there are many exceptions driven by sheer necessity. Seek counsel from your pastor and elders, as well as other family members.
- Submit every redirection to prayer, including those matters in which you have no choice but to redirect
- Though you would not have chosen the event of this loss, whatever it may be, it is important to consider that your Sovereign God is in control, and He has a purpose in mind. Hence, view this life before you as an opportunity to explore the options mentioned earlier. It is a wonderful time to revisit Proverbs 3:5-6 and refresh your commitment to put your hand in Jesus’ hand and follow Him closely.
Learn from the Example of Those Who Have Gone Before
Consider three examples of doing the grief work challenges from the Biblical record. The first one to ponder is Abraham and the loss of his wife, Sarah.
After the remembering phase, he reorganized his life, and his reengagement with the Lord is evident in several ways. Perhaps the most important was his manner of protecting God’s covenant by dispersing his inheritance. Part of reorganizing his life was his decision to marry again and raise a family with Keturah. They had six sons, Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak, and Shuah. Upon his death, Abraham gave them gifts and sent them eastward to establish themselves and protect Isaac’s inheritance.
The second illustration is of David after the loss of his son. Resting in his assurance of God’s sovereignty, he rose, unlike in culture, thought he should remember, reengaged, retooled, and went forward to fulfill God’s calling upon his life.
The third illustration is the disciples. An intense three-year companionship ended in the crucifixion of Jesus. Yes, they had periodic contact with Him post-resurrection for forty days, including the ascension experience (Acts 1:1-4), but then He was gone again. Yet, just ten days later, Peter launched the new era with his preaching at Pentecost and the others, minus Judas, who committed suicide due to his guilt over his betrayal, indefatigably remembered, reengaged, and retooled to carry out the departing wishes (Matthew 28:18-20) and died martyrs’ deaths in the process.
As the Apostle Paul so cryptically put it in his first book to the Thessalonians (4:13), “We do not grieve as those who have no hope.” That is, our loss is not the end. God is alive and well and in control, and we have the hope of the resurrection, the transition into His presence, and the eternal state where He wipes away all tears. Hence, we live forward in time and space with its momentary losses and hurts since we have the assurance of the yet-to-comes.
- For the readers information, I have addition training: Postdoctoral Studies: Psychology and Gerontology ↩︎
- The shock and the stress of loss tend to bring a release adrenaline and stress hormones, which impact your physical wellbeing toll. Hence, it is common to experience the following physical symptoms: exhaustion, fatigue, and unending tiredness. With the initial shock you may experience chest tightness and/or a lump in the throat. Nausea, loss of appetite, or a variety of aches and pains including a relentless headaches, Sleep disturbances and troublesome dreams are not uncommon. Lowered Immunity: Becoming more susceptible to frequent colds or infections sometimes occur. ↩︎