B. A New Life, a New Power, and a New Purpose
We have a new life and a new power within. We have a new purpose for our lives. Sometimes, when a Christian couple sits before you, you must take them back to first base. Sometimes, you have people sitting before you who think they are believers. They will check on their PDI form, “I’m a believer” or “I’m a Christian.” I once heard Rich Ganz say, “Love believes everything, and love doubts everything.” I think, in one sense, that’s what I would say in this case. I would think, “If you come in and put on your PDI form that you profess to be a believer, I believe you, but I also doubt you.” In other words, I want to see evidence of it in your life.
Therefore, sometimes, even though they’re professing Christians, I go back to square one. We talk about the reality of being alive in Christ, being empowered by the Spirit, and, as a result, having a new purpose in life because it makes a difference in how you conduct marriage.
C. Marriage: Choosing God‘s Way
For men, it is to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. You probably know that phrase but read on for a moment. Love your wives as you love your own body. Love your wives with the same purpose that Christ had for the Church. Christ’s plan for the Church is to grow in sanctification, so love your wives to help them grow in their own sanctification. Love them the way Christ did when He walked on the Earth. (Sometimes I assign me to read the Gospel of John in two sittings and jot down every man that Christ expressed love for his church as He walked with them on the face of the earth. If they do a good work, they will have listed, prayed with, taught them, walked with them, worked with them, care for them—ok you get the idea—all of these requires what Christ ultimately did in going the cross, He sacrificed. He sacrificed time, energy, metal investment and finally, His life on her behalf). At the next session I will ask them to report on their findings. Most get the general point, but not all. Either way, I take men back to the Gospel of Man and walk them through 10 different aspects of how Christ did that. I will cite, specifically, three of them: how Christ listened, taught, and prayed with and for His Church.
I ask men: What do you think Christ did to love His Church when He walked on the Earth with His Church? He walked with those apostles and the people who were gathered. That was His Church. He was walking with them on Earth. What does that look like?
If you don’t want to embarrass a man you are counseling (though at times, it’s essential), don’t ask him how often he prays for his wife. An even tougher question: don’t ask him how often he teaches or listens to her. However, if you look at the Gospel of John, when Jesus walked with the disciples, observe how He listened to them, taught them, and prayed with and for them. You start to get a sense of what it means for a Man to love his wife as Christ loved the Church.
For women, submit to your husband as to the Lord. Honor your husband. Also, 1 Peter 3:1-13 instructs wives to resist their natural tendency to control (thinking back to that Genesis 3:16-17 passage discussed earlier). It’s interesting to me that Peter—and the Spirit of God through Peter—uses a very flawed woman, Sarah, to illustrate that. Remember, she told Abram to go and have his son with Hagar, the Egyptian woman.
Similarly, 1 Peter 3:7 instructs husbands to counter their natural tendency to be disengaged by living with their wives in an understanding way. This is static despite a woman’s tendency to usurp his role. He treats his wife with respect by granting her the created place as his complement and as his fellow heir in the grace of life (look at it from the perspective of a fellow human being).
D. Practice Christian Protocols
Multiple times in multiple ways the church is instructed as to how to relate to one another. Theimplementation of these passages is much more intense when it comes to the relationship between a husband and wife who are connected to one another 24/7 for life:
• Give preference to one another in honor (Romans 12:10)
• Regard one another as more important than yourself (Philippians 2:3)
• Serve one another (Galatians 5:13)
• Do not judge one another and do not put a stumbling block in a brother’s way (Romans 14:13)
• Bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2)
• Speak the truth to one another (Ephesians 4:25)
• >Don’t lie to one another (Colossians 3:9)
• Comfort one another (1 Thessalonians 4:18)
• Encourage and build up one another (1 >Thessalonians 5:11)
• Pray for one another (James 5:16)
There are others. A homework assignment that I sometimes will give counselees is to take maybe three or four of these, think them through during the week, and come back with a paragraph (three, four, or five sentences) on how they can perfect this in their relationship with their mate. I’ll pick the ones that are particularly applicable to their arena of struggle. (See my book: Thirty-Seven Biblically Strategies for a Joyful Marriage).
V. Biblical Framework for Marriage and Family: Counselor Takeaways
1. Marriage is God’s idea; He designed it. Marriage is God’s idea. We won’t destroy it. We may destroy it as a core value in our society, but we won’t destroy it. It will endure for the duration of time (See Matthew 22:23–32, Mark 12:18–27, and Luke 20:27–38).
2. Marriage is flawed because of sin. Your marriage and my marriage are never going to be perfect.
3. God prescribes the fix for the flaw. The flaw is the impact of sin; the fix is the administration of grace.
4. We are God’s instruments through which He applies that fix. God has given us the role of being the channels through which the knowledge of God’s Word, the theology of God’s Word, and the theology of marriage are delivered to God’s people so that they can hear it and begin to learn how to practice it.
5. Marriage is intended to be a picture of God’s relationship to His Church.
6. The effects of sin reversal will make a satisfying relationship possible.
My wife and I have had a satisfying and enjoyable life together; not perfect, but it has been beautiful and rewarding. We’ve ministered together. We did youth work together. She has administered two different counseling centers for me for seven years. We’ve raised two children together. We’ve had people live with us during 18 of the 64 years of marriage. We’ve had a great time. We have built five houses together. We have coordinated multiple moves, most of the time load U-Hall trucks to accomplish the moves. We have traveled and ministered in multiple countries periodically. We have engaged in caring for aging parents. We have had children and grandchildren living with us. God has taught me much about what’s wrong with me through her. By God’s grace, we’ve passed this on to our children and many other people’s children along the way. To God be the glory forth for His playbook for marriage and His indwelling Spirit to empower us to implement it in daily life.
We can make a difference in this country and the world. You are God’s instrument to establish marriage on a proper foundation, help people identify where the foundation is crumbling, or the roof is leaking or walls are rotting, and rebuild from the foundations upward. In the process, you will be doing God’s work.
Some years ago, I knew a young man the son of a couple whose exhibited the jezebel, Ahaz model. As a result, I coached him on life issues and talked through those kinds of things from how to use a screwdriver to what to do when you have a blowout. We moved to another state, and several years later, he married. One day he called me and asked, “How in the world do you have quiet time with your wife”? He continued to share the contingencies that were going on in their lives. We talked through that. We found some spots to plug him and his wife into a spiritual engagement. Then the next question was, “Okay, now what do we do when we have a fight?” Then, I walked him through many of the matters discussed above.
HONESTLY, I’m exhilarated when I would get off the phone after these conversations. It takes a lot of energy, but it’s a great conversation. It was fun to hear how he/they received the coaching and moved forward, incorporating what was learned.
Folks, that’s what we’re about. In one sense, I probably didn’t cover much that you didn’t already know. I hope I framed it so you can realize: “This is the structure. This is the framework of what we do in marriage and family counseling. This is what undergirds it. This is what gives us wisdom and direction. This is what teaches us how to show people how to practically carry out these ways and means of life that God has prescribed for His glory in our lives and our benefit in life.”
That’s what it’s all about.