Introduction
Email from Supervisee:
In a recent email from a counselor in supervision, I received this email: “I met with a new counselee, Samantha, this morning for the first time. She had noted in her initial information form (which I received yesterday) that she needed encouragement and hope because she struggled with fear and anxiety. However, when I was gathering additional data, she admitted to adultery with a married man (a family friend) who recently died. Her husband does not know! Although this man ended all communication with Samantha 8 years ago, she is grieving this loss more than the loss of her mother who died 2 months ago and she now she feels shame and anxiety less her husband makes the connection. She is a believer but does not understand true repentance or godly sorrow. She is more concerned about her pain than hurting God, hurting her husband, hurting her ex-lover’s wife.
A few minutes later I was reading Jeremiah 51 as part of a Q-time:
“All mankind is stupid, devoid of knowledge; every goldsmith is put to shame by his idols, for his molten images are deceitful, and there is no breath in them. They are worthless, a work of mockery; in the time of their punishment they will perish. The portion of Jacob is not like these; for the Maker of all is He…”
Thinking of Samantha
Reading this and reflecting on Samantha led to the following paraphrase/application to her life situation.
All mankind is stupid. They lack objective understanding of the real reality, the spiritual world. Every person displays this foolishness by the idols he chooses to bring meaning to his life. The existential experiences he imagines are deceitful for they do not deliver his expectations. They are empty. They defraud him leaving him empty only to return seeking more till he perishes. The real God is not so for he is the Maker of all—the only source of meaning and satisfaction.
Frequent Malady
Three different couples presenting with marital issues recently could be described by this paraphrasedScripture. None of them were guilty of adultery, but all three were practicing forms of idolatry in the search of personal meaning. In the process of doing so they were practicing, what the world would describe as narcissism which was rapidly deteriorating the marital relationship. Not infrequently couples like this present as having communication problems. Just last week I said to one husband (a mate in one of the three couples), “Help me understand your diagnosis, ‘We have a communication problem.’ The three of us have been talking for the past thirty minutes. I think you would agree that the three of us have been communicating rather well. How is it different at home?”
He stopped short! “Ah, well it is different at home,” he replied.
“So, please, again, help me understand what is different at home?”
There followed several interchanges which I finally summed up by saying, “Tell me if I am way off here. What I hear you telling me is that for both of you communication is often tainted with sarcasm growing out of your mate’s failure to meet your expectations.” They agreed.
I went on to explain how their unmet personal idols (expectations they have and some of which have not been communicated), become demands (James 4:1-5). These may or may not be sinful, but when these desires become demands, they become the source of bitterness, resentment, fear and anger, all of which are both sinful and destructive (Eph 4:25-32).
These attitudes, emotions and judgments begin driving sarcasm, cutting remarks, coolness and lack of desire for intimacy. Hence, it becomes a communication problem! The observation of Jeremiah, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit regarding mankind is the diagnosis of Babylon and many times Israel. It is often the diagnosis applicable in such marital struggles.
Working the Process of the Diagnosis
By the end of the second session, the couple referenced earlier, the husband was shaking his head in agreement. At the end of the first session with another of these couples, the husband sat back and said, “Thank you, you have helped me see something pretty important.” That comment came with a complete set of body language expressions that confirmed his words. Up until this point he had been rather cocky and resistant. This led to humbling himself by repentance and asking the Lord and his wife’s forgiveness. In turn, this broke and confessed her prideful attitude and she responded in kind.
Considering the Application
So, if you are a counselor reading this, or a mate who is part of martial relationship plagued by communication problems, you should consider Jeremiah’s observation. It is very likely that your counselees (or you) are being stupid in the sacrificing of your relationship on the altar of some expectations (maybe, or maybe not expressed) that you are demanding your mate meet.
Some years ago, I had a female professional and her husband who was also an officer of the court in counseling. After listening for several sessions, I said, “Folks, let me stop here and read a passage of Scripture. Turning to James 4:1-5, I read it deliberately, and slowly emphasizing the thoughts. As I finished, she, who up to this point has been rather arrogant, began to cry with agony. When she regainedcontrol of her voice she said, “I have been in church my whole life. Why has no one shown me that passage? I let her question hand in the hang air (a pregnant pause), and then said, “I suspect they have andthat you have read it. But the fallow ground of your heart had not be plowed and the seed blew away or the thorns of life choked it out (Matt 13:22). Our interaction with the Word and the Spirit in our meetings together, the Spirit used to plow the fallow ground, and it now took root.
Implementation
As the Lord did with this couple (cited earlier), who came into counseling on the verge of divorce and went out rejoicing in the Lord and their marriage, so you are your counselee may do likewise. Ask the Lord to search your heart and help you to “plow the fallow ground”. Then explore the Word and seek to see both the commands and the principles for living embedded throughout it. Then choose to implement them into your daily living by practicing Paul’s injunction to “discipline yourself for godliness (1 Tim 4:7-8). This may include actions like writing out your response to your mate’s question and even stand in front of a mirror and practice it so that you hear your tone of voice. You might consider thinking through your expectations. Then ask the Holy Spirit to help you evaluate if you are making these desire demands. Yet another discipline, on the fly, may be to say, “Honey, I am hurting right now, and I’d like to lash out at you with one of my characteristic sarcastic remarks. But I have been asking the Lord to help me change. Would you please listen for a few minutes and let me explain what is going on with me?” Ok, you get the idea.