Introduction

The discovery of infidelity – ranging from secret text messages to sexting, to phone conversations or Internet exchanges to long-term extra-marital relationships and even same-sex attraction and engagement, can be an extremely devastating experience. Cheating on a mate and lying to cover it up naturally lead to distrust and suspicion in the betrayed mate.

A couple can, however, rebuild trust. The speed and degree of recovery are greatly affected by the actions of the mate who cheated. However, many cheaters do not understand the feelings their mates go through and have no idea what to do to rebuild trust. These steps will help people who cheated but are serious about rebuilding trust and healing their relationships. Rebuilding begins with repentance and forgiveness, and the rapidity of recovery is proportional to the thoroughness of each.

Twelve Components Essential

To Rebuilding Trust

The following components of rebuilding trust in a marital relationship are based on various passages in the Bible. For example, Component One is drawn directly from Ephesians 4:25. These components recognize the importance of personal responsibility for one’s wrong choices. Again, honesty and transparency, common character traits cited in Scripture, play a prominent role.

Furthermore, these components must be preceded by confession (owning one’s sin) and forgiveness (a decision and a promise to not dwell on the offense, talk about it to others, or throw it up to the mate later), which are the foundation for rebuilding the marriage. Yet, confession and forgiveness will also be a process. The culprit will remember things or be questioned about aspects of the affair and, in the process, realize that a new detail demands a more profound confession. Also, the offended party will find himself/herself retracing the act/hurt and must choose to forgive another detail.

Component One—truth-telling is trust-building

Stop lying and start truth-telling (Eph 4:25)! Betraying your mate’s trust by your infidelity is only complicated by lying. Twisting the truth, hiding details, or denying even the slightest detail does what my mother told me when she caught me lying (Prov. 12:22); it adds insult to injury. Honesty is the beginning of recovery from an affair. Honesty is the means for establishing your integrity, which is foundational to rebuilding trust (Eph 5:7-16).

Commit yourself to becoming trustworthy. Pledge yourself to honesty—truth-telling. Don’t plead for his/her trust, but affirm that you desire to be trusted again. Begin with a no-holds-barred confession stating a willingness to tell as much detail as he/she is ready to hear (Prov. 28:13).

Stick to facts. Even though you may desire to protect your mate, honesty is necessary. Do not sugarcoat your sin. Allow your mate to determine the level of detail he/she desires to hear. You cannot deal with your guilt, and your mate cannot deal with the hurt and anger without full disclosure. In the short term, truth hurts, but in the long term, truth provides an opportunity for reconciliation (Ps 51:6, 10).

Ok, you have told the truth. Now, keep telling the truth. When your mate asks why you were an hour late getting home from the office, do not say, “The boss called me into his office as I was leaving” unless that is the truth. If you stop to look at the new ring you plan to present to your mate to affirm your commitment, you need to declare it. For all you all know, your boss called to ask you a question 30 minutes ago. Your mate is listening to see if you are going to be truthful. Or, your mate may have to read your body language and know when you are lying.

One final thought regarding the complications of lying: If you lie again, even with the very best intentions, your momentary hesitancy will give you away (I John 5:5-7).

Component Two—radical amputation is necessary for emancipation

Make a clean break with your consort (James 1:9-9, 4:17)! You lit a fire! That person has feelings for you. Unless there is an unequivocal disengagement, you will likely be pursued. This person is an integral part of the problem. When emails or text messages show up on your phone, there will be more pain and anger for your spouse to process. You may feel like a blunt breakup will hurt the other person’s feelings. It will! Your mate will be hurt if you are not frank and pointed, asserting finality. The bottom line is this. Everybody is going to be hurt. The real question is which relationship will be healed (Matt 5:23-24; Prov. 14:12).

So, how does unequivocal disengagement get done? Doing this with a speaker phone and your mate present is best. It may sound like this: “Mary, this is Jim. I want you to know that my wife is sitting with me, and we are on a speakerphone. I need to tell you that I have sinned against God, my wife, my family, and you by having this affair with you. I am making this call in her presence so that she can hear me ask for your forgiveness and tell you that this affair is over. I deeply regret my sin. God has convicted me and forgiven me. Mary has forgiven me. My children have forgiven me. I want your forgiveness to close this chapter of my life. I encourage you to seek your husband’s forgiveness and reconcile your marriage.” This call may be even more complicated if the other person did not know you were cheating. Whatever the case, it is a necessary component of restoring trust in your mate in the long run.

If the affair was with a coworker, remember that your day-to-day encounters with him or her may make it very hard for your mate to start to trust again. Get your life priorities straight and do what you must (Ps. 1:1-2). You may need to ask for a transfer to another department—even if it means a cut in salary. You may need to seek another position if your mate requests you do so (Mark 9:43).

Displaying the breakup before your mate helps you communicate to your mate that he or she is more important than the other man or woman. You cannot underestimate the value of this action (Eph. 5:8-17).

Component Three—owning your sin produces humble compassion

Cheating is 1000% wrong! It comes from a sense of entitlement. In the language of popular culture, it is about getting my perceived needs met. It is pure selfishness. Own it as such! Rebuilding trust is about selflessly doing everything in your power to help your mate feel safe (James 1:12-17).

Even if your mate is guilty of many mistakes that provoked you, don’t blame your mate for your cheating. Instead of cheating, you had many options to address the issues. If you blame your mate, you admit you have not been honest. This is not the time to discuss your mate’s mistakes. There will be an opportunity to explore those issues in the reconciliation process. Your choice to cheat and lie was not because of these mistakes. It was your lustful desires (James 4:1-3).

If you are expecting sympathy, you are being foolish (Prov. 26:4-5). Your mate may have been dissatisfied and discouraged with the relationship as well, but your mate decided not to lie to you or cheat on you and act with insolent pride (Prov. 21:24).

Bogus excuses abound by those who cheat. They are legions. Here are but a few as counselors I have heard: she seduced me, the strong attraction to him confused me (said regarding her male trainer), I can’t explain it, it just happened, the temptation was strong and unexpected, we were in bed before I realized what was happening, etc. You made a series of choices that led to the grand choice. You had many opportunities to say no, but you did not! That reality really magnifies your mate’s hurt.

A counselor friend observed, “How quickly a cheater gets defensive when his sin is on the table”. Your best defense is a good offense: humility expressed in regret and remorse coupled with compassion for your hurt mate expressed with genuine tears (James 4:5-12).

Component Four—submitting to drilling a painful necessity (Zechariah 6:15-17, Romans 12:16-18)i

Ouch! That question hurt. Yes, many more will likely strip you of your pride and unmask your duplicity. Sorry, but you compromised your privacy. Actually, you signed off on giving up your privacy when you said, “I do.” You see, your privacy and your so-called rights got you into this pickle. Now, your spouse will examine your life’s details with a fine-toothed comb. Your spouse will ask the same questions repeatedly and will cross-reference your stories. You are going to wonder if you married a detective. If you are not truthful, your spouse will find out.

“But you told me that you only met her at that gorgeous hotel to which you never had the money to take me! I found this receipt under your car seat for three other Holiday Inns. So, what were you doing at the Holiday Inn? When I asked you about that trip to Mobile, you gave me that phony tale that the boss asked you to try to get back the customer that she lost. I need to have straight answers. I need to know exactly what you were doing at each of these hotels and the purpose of your trip, and I want something I can verify.”

You need to realize that all these questions (“Was she pretty? Was he sexy? Was she a good conversationalist? Or was this all about you just having a hot time in the bed?) may really be the expression of your spouse’s insecurities generated by your extra-curricula activities. In response to such questions, you should not lie but rather take them as opportunities to affirm the attractiveness of your spouse and his/her special characteristics—“overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21). You should recall the good qualities of your earlier relationship, repent over your failure to appreciate them and express your desire to re-experience those dimensions of your relationship (Rev 2:1-8).

Component Five—practice patience in the face of rejection

Choose to practice patience while your mate works to choose to trust you again. Most writers on this subject talk about your need to earn trust. I prefer to speak of choosing to live in such a manner that you engender a desire in your mate to choose to trust you again (Ps. 27:13-14; 26:6-7, I Cor. 13:4-8).

Remember, you have supplied the evidence for the prosecution. Now, you must supply the evidence to support a pardon. Confession, apology, seeking forgiveness, and renewing your vow to remain faithful will not motivate your mate to return the relationship to normal immediately.

Not only will the relationship not immediately return to normal, but other dimensions of life will also not. Emotions will bounce. One day, your mate will be smiling, and all will seem well, but two days later, she will be crying, or he will be angry. No doubt, sleep loss will result from anxiety. You will be having a normal conversation, and out of the blue, your mate will zap you with a sharp barb.

Be patient as they go through the process. It is a process, and it takes time (James 1:2-4, I Cor. 13:4-8). Do not dictate the length of time it should take your mate to be “over it”, and don’t demand a time frame. Instead, do all that you can to allay their fears and check in with them periodically to find out if they are copasetic (Gal 5:22ff)?

Your relationship during this time is not necessarily an indicator of how it will be from now on. Your mate’s suspicion and distrust can eventually dissipate when you are providing the appropriate evidence.

Component Six—six degrees of connection

Six dimensions of connection are essential in this fight to regain trust.

1) Be available. Your mate cannot process this pain if you are unavailable for conversation. Physical presence proclaims you value him/her (Phil 2:1-7; 1:9-11). Offer to receive text messages whenever your mate needs to make contact.

2) Be a listener. Your mate lost the most critical person in his/her life. That loss, in most instances, began long before the affair. Part of the reason the affair happened is because you two became disconnected. Now, you need to connect. You need to be there to listen when your mate weeps or bemoans the pain and the losses. You don’t need to counsel or even console. You do need to listen and affirm the agony. Randomly surprise your mate with a phone call to say, “I’ve been thinking of you, and I love you.” (Prov. 18:13).

3) Be the explainer. You will need to be there to fill in the blanks and explain the story’s gaps. By explaining, you help them avoid the journey into an imaginary distorted world of the worst-case scenario (Prov. (13:15).

4) Be patient. Remember, you generated the situation, which gave rise to a raging river, driving lots of debris in the form of questions and ugly emotions. Being patient now allows the storm to pass and the river to calm. If your mate grows weary and suggests ending the relationship, express your understanding but also your desire to redeem the marriage (Prov. 13:21).

5) Be open. Any time you must spend time with the opposite sex, your mate may struggle with suspicion. Don’t try to combat this with accusations of paranoia. Affirm that you understand. Explain what you will be doing, where you will be going, who will be involved, and what safeguards you have built into the situation (Prov. 2:1-22).

6) Be smart. Be smart with your smartphone. Give your spouse all passwords and permission to examine them at any time. The same is true for your computer (if it’s a business computer, sit down with your mate and go through the email daily). Scripture tells us to avoid even the appearances of evil. Take heed to this exhortation. Find a way to avoid provocative situations (II Timothy 2:22).

Component Seven—re-throning your mate (Eph. 4:1-6, Col. 3:12-17)

Imagine where your mate saw him/herself on your radar when the affair came to light. Your mate was not number one! Imagine what you would think if the shoe was on the other foot. Imagine what your mutual friends would be thinking. “Boy, he sure sees her as a piece of _____________. “They would not have seen you acting with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Eph 4:2-3).

You will now need to engage in the process of restoring your mate to the number one place in your life. It now becomes your challenge to generate the belief that you will not cheat again on your mate.

Explore your mind by asking some critical questions. What were the reasons that I failed to appreciate my mate? What were the characteristics that delighted me at the beginning of the relationship? What did I do to extinguish those traits? What can I do to restore those to my mate? How can I help my mate regain an accurate self-image?

Answering these questions will help you be practical in the trust-building enterprise. Create a list of the things that are special about your mate. Explore creative ways to affirm these traits. Make and execute concrete plans that demonstrate you value him/her.

As my mother used to say, “Actions speak louder than words” (and your mother probably did too). Your choices communicated the lack of love. You will need to demonstrate your passion. But don’t be surprised if your mate questions the genuineness of your actions—after all, you were a liar and did not display love!

Humiliation is a significant factor for the victim. You have sinned. You feel humiliated by your sin. But, your mate is the victim, and that humiliation is far greater. Not only is your mate personally hurt, but your mate feels like a fool. Your mate entrusted his/her life to your hands, and you betrayed them before the witnesses who heard you promise to “keep yourself only to….” Forgiving you and even considering reconciliation is humiliating. Do not underestimate this horrible emotion. As playwright William Congreve observed in The Morning Bride in 1697, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury as a woman scorned.” So, be patient and supportive.

Giving or receiving affection may be particularly difficult. Again, patience is the byword. You will have to wait till your mate is ready to receive affection.

Component Eight—dispel doubt with an open life (Ps. 34:5, Matt. 6:19-24, I John 1:5-7, Eph. 5:8-17)

Transparency diminishes your mate’s felt need to investigate. When your phone, computer, and calendar are open books, suspicion is unnecessary. When you volunteer, where and why are you going? You dissolve the natural panic.

As much as possible, include your mate in your activities. One of my counselees invited his wife to travel with him on business trips. He included her in conversations and encouraged her to become good acquaintances with the women in his business circle.

Remember, you have no privacy. The two of you have become one. Give your mate access to bills, bank accounts, and any other part of your life that he/she desires; volunteer explanations for anything your mate questions. You will likely find that the desire for information will begin to evaporate when you provide an open-hand policy.

If you must travel for your job, invite your mate to call any time, day or night. Refuse to have business meals with female associates one-on-one. Insist that there be a third party at all such meals.

Component Nine—dissipate stress by wise choices (Rom. 12:18, Prov. 17:14, 26-28; 18)

Stress puts nerves on edge. Discovery of unfaithfulness (whether a physical affair or an emotional affair) generates high levels of stress. Don’t assume that your mate has moved on once it is out in the open and you have hashed it out. He/she is thinking about it every waking hour. Dissipate his/her stress level by making wise choices in what you expect from your mate.

Be careful to make choices that do not communicate that your friend, activities, or even children have priority over your mate. Doing so will increase stress levels.

Avoid all references to the attractiveness of the opposite sex. Even something as benign as looking through a high school yearbook and noting how cute or handsome someone was can remind your mate that you are keyed into the appearance or prowess of others.

Beware of arguing. It opens the door to say words that you wish you could recall. Make it your purpose to speak words that encourage and uplift your mate (Eph 4:29).

When having an affair, you find all kinds of ways to make time to be with that other person and do things with that person. When you cannot find the time to do something your mate desires or choose not to engage in an activity because it is not something you like to do, you generate stress for your mate. It is like saying, “You are not important enough to me to make the time to engage or learn to enjoy the activity.” Maybe the two of you never played checkers or built a puzzle together. Perhaps that is one of those small indicators of what went wrong and positioned you for the affair.

Component 10–trash the social media

Facebook and other social media have shown up as a trust-breaker in multiple counseling cases over the past several years, in my experience. Perhaps Facebook has not been an issue in your case. Trash it anyway as a demonstration of your commitment to rebuilding trust.

It would not be unusual for that “significant other” to use Facebook to get at your mate when you break off the relationship. It is a great tool to spread gossip.

When you are at an emotional low because your mate has temporarily pulled back from you, it is too easy to spew your guts to a same-sex Facebook friend only to have someone else pick it up and funnel it back to your mate. Facebook is not the place for you to emote. You may need one trusted friend with whom you can share your laws, but be sure it is a friend who will not commiserate with you. You need a friend who will listen to you and remind you from Scripture how you need to think and act (Gal 6:1-2).

Component 11-engage in a spiritual journey

If you have had an affair (emotional or physical), you have not been walking a spiritual journey with Jesus or your mate. Jesus said, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.” The lifestyle that leads to sexual immorality is not a lifestyle that is abiding by Jesus. Interestingly, Jesus illustrated the idea of intimacy by the relationship between himself and the Father (John 15). And Paul made it very clear that we cannot abide in fellowship with God if we are walking in sexual sin (I Thes 4:3-8).

Assure your mate that you desire to spend time with him/her, considering the Word of God together and engaging in mutual prayer. But don’t be shocked if the first time you propose or request to do so, you get rebuffed—maybe rather firmly. Respond patiently to something like this, “I understand your reaction. Please pray about it. I will ask again in about a week. I will be more than receptive any time you desire to engage on the spiritual journey with me. I am deeply sorrowed that it is only after I have failed you so miserably that I have a desire to journey with you.”

He/she may not desire to be seen with you at church if your sin is known. Again, be patient and agree to attend elsewhere for a period. However, assure your mate that you intend to be in a good church every Sunday if you are not ill, and you are willing to discuss how this is to be played out (Heb 10:25).

Component Twelve—rebuilding trust flows from rebuilding the relationship (Prov. 5, Song of Solomon, Rev. 2:1-7)

In the letter to the Ephesian church, Jesus gave us a great outline of how to restore a marriage. Affairs, like algae, flourish in stagnation. No one wants to swim in a stagnated lake or pool, whether a church fellowship or a marriage, it is the same. That happened in that early church—they lost their first love. When we lose that first love, we start looking elsewhere for the stimulation that love brings. So, remember that the first instruction of Jesus fits both his church and your marriage. Remember all that you put into that relationship to generate that first love.

The first thing you needed to do to begin to rebuild trust was to own your sin and repent. Now, you need to repent for disregarding the relationship. You chose to act on your loneliness in the marriage, but you must realize that your mate was living with the same frustrations. You need to seek forgiveness for your neglect and the abandonment of your wedding vow affirmed to God and your mate when asked, “.… Will you fulfill this covenant with God by loving, honoring, comforting, and cherishing her from this day forward, forsaking all others, keeping only unto her for as long as you both shall live?” So, the second instruction is to repent!

The third “so” is to revive what you had. This starts with a grateful spirit expressed to your spouse for the commitment to remain in the marriage. Your mate has demonstrated the height of love in making that decision. Yes, there will be times when you will feel your mate’s wrath—anger, unpredictable moods, crying, withdrawing, and great difficulty re-engaging sexually. Remember, your mate is human (and a sinner), so cut your mate some slack and practice that aspect of the fruit of the Spirit called longsuffering. Frequently express your gratitude for a second chance.

Perhaps the two of you enjoyed going out to dinner or attending certain community events on better days. Reviving the relationship will include enjoying these again. However, it may be wise to find new venues; old ones may stir mixed emotions. Re-deploy the categories of mutual enjoyment, but create new memories and new experiences in new places. If, along the way, your mate requests to visit somewhere from the old days, do so, but let your mate take the lead on talking about what this place or activity meant to them.

As the negative emotions diminish, let your mate know that you understand that engaging in any physical intimacy must be at his/her discretion. It must be restored; it is the unique dimension of marriage God gifted us with. But you have tainted it with disrespect and disdain for its sanctity. The rate of restoration must be at your mate’s discretion. For some people, this comes quickly and seems to be the catalyst for moving the relationship forward. For other couples, patience and gentle kindness take weeks, even months. For some people, sexuality in marriage does not seem to be about trust, and for others, it is all about trust.

Verbal affirmation of love needs to be frequent. You can most likely identify your mate’s desired manner of receiving love. It may be gifts or time or talking. Whatever else it may be, a genuine frequent “I love you” is essential.

Don’t cheat again. The next chance seldom happens.1

1 Don’t cheat again. The next chance seldom happens.

i When Scripture passages occur with the component heading, read them before reading the component as they support the component. When Scripture references occur in the text, they are specific to the point at which they are inserted.

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