Introduction
Here is an excellent suggestion for starting the new year: use God’s solution to eradicate that woe, which already has a long history and has done a lot of damage. Choose not to add another chapter to its history.
We read numerous scenarios in the Scriptures of those gripped with bitterness. One of those is a prominent display; his name is Saul. In his case, he put himself, by his arrogance, which produced disobedience before the Lord, in the position that God removed from him the opportunity to be the first King of Israel and the progenitor of its kingly heritage. God had Samuel anoint another younger man, David, in his place to become that progenitor eventuating in the Messiah, Jesus.
Yet God allowed Saul to live out his life as King. While doing so, his bitterness toward David grew. Now, humanly speaking, his anger settled into bitterness, which is understandable but destructive. God gives David, “as a youth” (to use Saul’s description), the ability to take out the nine-foot-tall enemy, Goliath. In addition, God enabled him to be a mighty worrier who generated the woman singing; Saul killed his thousands, and David his tens of thousands. For Saul, the friendship between his son, Jonathan, and David, rather than a source of joy, becomes a source of bitterness that almost cost Jonathan his life at his father’s own hand.
The New Testament Warning
Little wonder that God has Paul write, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice” (Ephesians 4:31). Throughout a long career in biblical counseling, I have seen many like Saul, who lived their lives out of a root of bitters. These folks, like Saul, became the victims of their bitterness and caused collateral damage to those around them. As Hebrew warns, “Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled (12:15).
Common Examples
Mary, humanly speaking, had good reasons to be bitter. While she worked through a difficult pregnancy and was out of action to engage sexually with Charlie, he went outside the marriage.
Judy, in a similar fashion, discovered that Stephen was addicted to pornography during his teen years and, as he told her when he confessed to returning to that habit, “I thought getting married would take care of the problem.”
John developed his root of bitterness over Jenifer’s struggle to follow his leadership. The blowup came when he abandoned her at the mall after becoming aware of her extravagant spending again when his credit card purchase was turned down because it was over the limit.
Charles discovered that Stephenie had a liaison relationship with her counterpart in the West Coast division of her company. When she became pregnant after seven years of trying to achieve this goal, he was thrilled until he discovered that the child was not his but that of her liaison.11
Context of Paul’s Warning
This warning by Paul comes in the context of instruction on how the Christian is to cease the former manner of life by having the mind renewed and intentionally developing a new godly life profile (Eph 4:22-24). This instruction reminds one of Romans 12:1-2 where Paul instructs the believer to cease being conformed to this world (for right now, here, cease from doing the normal human thing of developing a root of bitterness) and instead be transform by the renewing of the mind which will enable you to be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will (for our discussion, handling devastating hurts as Jesus did).
Paul profiles the normal human response. Bitterness breeds wrath, an inward agitation by (running on the mouse wheel by rehearsing the offense. This agitation breeds and intensifies to the level of anger. This is the inward wrath outwardly expressed. This anger gives way to loud yelling (venting), which Paul calls clamor (rather descriptive, is it not?). This venting leads to derogatory demeaning to the other person(s). This is what Paul terms slander. And this will lead to malice, that is, the intent to hurt. There is a progressive nature of bitterness, as we have just observed.
God’s Solution
When you read the story of Saul, you will observe that he had several opportunities, one of which was at his son’s pleading with him to repent. He did not, and this led to his demise.
Paul instructs us on how to deal with bitterness in Ephesians 4:32, which has three steps. First, be kind. How can we be kind to someone who hurts us? By putting on the mind of Christ (see Philippians 2), choose to think like He did, which begins with humility. Second, be compassionate. The best way that I’ve found to be empathetic in such situations is by remembering my sinfulness and how easy it is to react. Thirdly, forgive as God has forgiven us. Wow! The best way to grasp this is to remember another word of Paul: “In while we were sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8)
Conclusion
We can choose one of two options when someone hurts us. There is no third option like “I will just wipe them from my life.” You can choose to forgive, or you can choose to smolder. Why? Because they will live on in your heart. Many years ago, I had a boss who did me wrong. He never asked for my forgiveness. By God’s grace, in my heart, I did forgive him. Do I remember the incident? Yes, most definitely. However, the memory has no acidity. I have professional interaction with this person with some frequency. I chalk it up to his being human.
Implementation
My friend, if you have a root of bitterness, you are most likely aware of the acid impact on your life and the lives of others around you. Remember these lines from an old favorite hymn:
What a Friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
………………………………………….
Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer2
Turn Paul’s instruction into prayer. Lord Jesus, like you, I have been deeply hurt, mistreated, and rejected. Help me to follow your lead on the cross and pray, “Father, forgive them; they know not what they do.” Then, remember how he sought out his disciples (John 21) who had denied him (not only Peter, but the others also all denied him when they returned to their fishing business).
Now, with a heart of praise for the indwelling and enabling ministry of the Holy Spirit, decide to forgive that person(s) and move forward with your life. Yes, if this individual is a fellow believer and if the church of association is committed to the Matthew eighteen process, it would be wise and proper to walk through this discipline process. However, in many instances, even in churches where the gospel is preached, church discipline is not. Also, in many cases, you may be involved with a non-believer and have to such recourse. Once again, it may be your spouse or brother, and the hurt may not warrant such “drastic” measures. However, there is that bitterness, which is about you more than the other person. This is one of those times when it is the better part of wisdom to forgive, accept the hurt, and let go of the desire for an interactive resolution.
1 None of these cases represent any specific case; they represent the types of bitterness observed over the years.
2 Public Domain as best I can discern.