III. The Fall and the Impact on Marriage
A. Immediate Impact
I will review some of these quickly, not going into every detail, but instead trying to highlight the essential aspects.
Self-deception & Hiding:
Post fall, Adam & Eve thought they could make everything right by sewing coverings together. People are still doing the same thing. You find people coming into counseling waring fig leaves. They’re hiding from God. They’re camouflaged from each other. Self-deception hasn’t changed. They’re hiding, thinking, “If you don’t face the wrong, you can avoid the consequences.” It doesn’t work that way.
Fear:
Often, in marriage, people fear their mate. They fear reprisal. They don’t trust one another. These dynamics show up in a lot of different ways. I had a case with a couple where the wife had a lot of assets when she came into marriage. The husband had a fledgling business. She wanted to keep her assets available, so she kept her finances separate. He said, “That’s a good idea,” so they kept her finances separate. She paid this set of bills and he that set. That system worked for them until his business collapsed, and suddenly, he could not pay his side. She wasn’t willing to pay his side. She took the attitude, “That’s your responsibility.” The result was that they were not pulling together in a marriage to make life work. She was standing back, saying, “Come on, boy, you need to carry your responsibility.” This was a business deal; it was not a marriage. They were afraid they couldn’t trust each other.
Blame-shifting:
By now, you know the old story. I’m sure you’ve heard somebody say it along the way. God said, “Where are you, Adam?” Then Adam said, “I’m over here in the bushes, God.” God replied, “So what are you doing in the bushes, Adam? Did you eat that fruit?” Adam answers, “Well, yeah. It’s this way, God. That woman that YOU gave me, she gave me, and I ate.” Blame shifting hasn’t changed.
B. Enduring Impact
On the serpent:
He will crawl on his belly; he becomes the ongoing enemy for life, and especially in marriage which ultimately represents the relationship of Christ to His bride, the church (Eph 5:21-33), because of what he did, and he will ultimately be defeated and taken down by Christ in the future.
On women:
Genesis 3:16: “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
The line parallels Genesis 4:7, where the phrase means “a desire to entrap or have dominion over.” God tells Cain, “You need to deal with this because if you don’t, sin is crouching at your door and will have dominion over you.” It’s the exact phrase used in Genesis 3:16. The parallel is so profound that it is impossible to take Genesis 3:16 in a different sense. The woman’s desire is not loving or sexual, and the Man’s rule is not a benevolent but a selfish desire. In other words, women will tend to take control one way or another. Men prefer to squash that and run the show, not lead but run the show, and there is a difference. It could be translated as, “You will try to trap or control your husband, but he will dominate you.” That’s what you see happening in marriages all the time. That’s why I said earlier that these marriage issues are theological. No matter what you’re dealing with, it’s theological.
In other words, due to sin, married life becomes a battleground instead of a source of joy. We need God’s theological playbook to transform it. Women may try to exert control, while men might selfishly suppress and ignore their partners to fulfill their own desires. As biblical counselors, these foundational realities provide us with valuable insight. We are not surprised when we observe these dynamics in our counseling cases. The case study I began with, regarding the hunter husband, serves as an excellent example. She was determined to take control of the situation. Her ultimate course of action to resolve it was to file for divorce. He continued his path, chasing his selfish desires. It all culminated in a critical moment that ultimately reached a flashpoint.
On men:
The enduring impact on men is toil accompanied by pain and opposition. You will be facing thistles. The Word of God was written in an agrarian society, addressing these issues in the context of agriculture. For most of us, our thorns and thistles today aren’t the same as the ones in the hayfield I experienced growing up. When I was a child, there would be an infestation of thistles in the alfalfa hay, driving us crazy trying to eliminate it. We’re not dealing with that now.
We’re struggling to accomplish things in our workplace or endure someone below or above us who is a constant thorn in our side. Another example might be if your company is being acquired by another, and you’re getting squeezed out. We live in a different environment, but the principle remains the same. God basically says, “In a fallen world, you will always be troubled by weeds.” You’re going to struggle with those thistles, those thorns, those other weeds, and those bugs. They will come in different forms, but they will come.
I love knockout roses. I had some beautiful ones right outside the large window at the back of our house. However, I need to keep a close eye on them in early May because I can guarantee they won’t look good if I don’t. Those beetle bugs get on them and eat them to shreds. So, I must spray every eight days for about a month; then we’ll have killed the beetle infestation for this year, and my roses will be fine. But the beetles will be back next year.
We will always have these challenges in life, but they demand our attention and drain our energy. They pull us away from leading our families and distract us from loving our partners as God intends us to love them. Instead, we often become entangled in the thorns and thistles and the pain that accompanies them. Often in counseling, we must assist men in reprioritizing and learning how to navigate these challenges to become the loving leaders God has called them to be.
On women
A summary of marriage post-fall: Women tend to focus on childbirth, child-rearing, or building a career (or combining both children and career) often developing a desire to control their husbands to achieve their own goals who sometimes intentionally or times by neglect as they focus on their goals, dominate them. Men are consumed by their careers, where opposition is the norm, leading to endurance to give way to governance.
I have several examples from the Old Testament, but I will discuss Jezebel and Ahab for the sake of time. Remember Jezebel and Ahab? Who wore the pants in that relationship? Jezebel certainly did. But who wanted to control everything and have things their way? Ahab did. Jezebel was smart enough to realize that if she was going to manage/control Ahab, she needed to give him what he wanted while controlling how he achieved it. This dynamic hasn’t changed. You can see it with Abram and Sarah, Moses and Zipporah, as well as Ahab and Jezebel.
IV. Reversing the Curse
How are we to do marriage? Again, I’m back to my theme song: it’s theological.
A. Resurrection unto Life
When unbelievers enter marriage, how do they approach it? They approach marriage as dead; they are spiritually dead. The first thing needed to make a marriage successful in God’s site is a resurrection. We must be made alive in Christ. That’s what happened to the young Man I mentioned in the case study at the beginning: he became alive in Christ. (Ephesians. 2:1-7, Romans 6:1-13).
We must walk in good works (Ephesians 2:8-10) and abide in Christ (John 15:4–7). What does it mean to abide in Christ? What does that look like? How do you teach people to abide in Christ? What practical ways do you go about that? Those are great questions, and the answers aren’t necessarily the same for every person you work with. It varies somewhat. However, I would summarize abiding in Christ as walking through my daily life—if you prefer, moment by moment—viewing myself as walking with Christ by my side. I sometimes surprise rebellious counselees in the counseling office, whose language isn’t always the best. Occasionally, I’ll look at the counselee and say, “Sam, do you realize that Jesus is sitting over here in this other chair?” I get this silly look most of the time. Then I say, “No, I’m serious. Jesus is sitting over here. He heard every word from your mouth because He was sitting there. Every one of those nasty things you said, you said right in front of Him.” It involves helping people begin to realize that in every place they go and everything they do, Jesus is right there.
Now, abiding in Christ isn’t just recognizing He’s there but also acknowledging He’s there and responding. In turn, I react to my wife as I am conditioned by walking with Jesus. I now understand there’s more to it, like being in the Word and praying. I know all those things, but I’m trying to get you to think about helping people practically see and feel the reality of Christ walking with them and then walking with Christ moment by moment.