Communication: Symptom or Root Issue

Introduction

Helping folks with marriage and family issues has been better than fifty percent of the counseling load throughout my career, both as pastoral staff and as a biblical counselor. Innumerable times, when asked to describe their presenting problem, married couples have been in agreement on their answer (you would think they had communicated about the answer to the point of agreement): “We have communication problems,” or “We cannot communicate!” This became so common that I developed a technique to dispel this myth in the first counseling session.

Technique

After taking a few minutes to build involvement (a measure of trust) with the couple, I laid out my plan to get us started. Mary, I would like you to take 10 to 15 minutes to converse with me so I can get a Reader’s Digest version of how you see this communication difficulty in your relationship. I then will ask John not to raise objections or express his opinion because I would give him equal time to present his view. However, as each speaks, I will observe their “halo data” as Dr. Adams termed body language.

I will take limited notes but jot down some key memory joggers for later. When each has provided the requested review, I look at each one and then tell them, “I do not think you have a communication problem since you both have communicated effectively with me. Your communication problem is a symptom of other problems, and in listening to you, I have picked up some ideas of what they might be.

Illustration

The first picture below reveals the underlying reason for “We can’t communicate.” That issue is PRIDE. The second picture shows a misfire when they attempt to communicate.

While various problems may be the origins of troubled communication, here are three common ones.

The case of Katie and Rover–preconditioning problem

Katie grew up with four siblings in a single-family home. Mom was a powerful and dominating personality. Katie was number three, preceded by two brothers and followed by a younger sister. Mom lived in fear of being unable to control the brothers, so she ruled with a thunderous voice and “carried a big stick.” The brothers learned early to be loud-mouthed and take the stick as inevitable occasionally, but they often argued to get their way. Katie absorbed this model, which is what we identify as the preconditioning problem in biblical counseling.

Rover and Katie met in college 2000 miles from home. Hence, he only visited her home twice before marriage. He never observed the situation at home. Rover worked at a co-op, so he was on campus for one semester and away the next.

Rover grew up in a Pastor’s home with two sisters. His parents were both gentle souls who talked out conflicts with them and each other, prayed together, and had lots of laughter at home.

When they presented for counseling, Rover wrote on his PDI, “My wife is like a dragon…she spits fire.” Katie wrote, “Rover acts like a hurt puppy and withdraws. I cannot get him to listen to me.”

The Case of Jim and Sally–personality divergence.

Jim and Sally, as they presented in their PDIs

Jim: I had expected Sally to be like my mom. She is sweet and kind and cares about everybody. Instead, she turns out to be a bull in the China shop and only cares about herself.

Sally wrote, “I am sick and tired of being expected to be his mom. I’m a high “D” and a high “I” and I live flat out. His Mom is an “S” off the chart (referring to the DISC personality test). What am I supposed to do—quit being me?

The underlying problem here is the expectations. Sometimes referred to as personality divergence.

The Case of Geroge and Kathy–leadership and submission

The PDI told this story.

George’s parents owned a furniture business with two sides: retail and high-end. His dad managed the retail side, and his mom the high-end side. They were open 10-9 daily except Sundays and Wednesday nights, when they closed at six to be in church.

George entered the furniture business with a high-end manufacturer as a sales rep covering Al, TN, MS, GA, and FL. He was earning two hundred K, providing a lovely home, Lexus for Julia, funding a college account and 401K, and providing Julia 1K a month of spending money.

In the session, George yells; all she does is complain. We never have a pleasant conversation, she will not discuss a vacation, and she isolates herself—we have not had sex in at least three months. 

The underlying problem is leadership and submission. The biblical model is a foreign concept, and further exploration confirms this.

How to Self-Counsel 

  • Identify the dynamics—Recognize that the problem is not communication and identify your issues that give rise to the symptom
  • Educate yourself regarding family patterns and identify preconditioning habits (how you unconsciously live out what your parents modeled)
  • Apply biblical truth (commands) that address the issues identified.
  • Affirm that change is not giving up who you are but becoming a godlier you.  
  • Plan to and implement biblical truth {a good illustration here is implementing the one another commands of the Bible toward your spouse. (See my book, Thirty-Seven Biblical Strategies for Making Marriage Joyful).

Conclusion

Solving communication problems involves many dimensions. The principle of James (1:19), “But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger,” is one example. Another principle is found in Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger,” which complements 15:24. “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

Keep the covenant vows you made before God on that day when the preacher pronounced you husband and wife, and become the happy couple you anticipated by breaking the family and cultural models and often the pride that keeps you from admitting your relational sin. Remember these two commands. Confess your sin, seek forgiveness (I John 1:9), and be kind and forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32).

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