My career in ministry, which has included marriage counseling from the very beginning, has spanned over sixty years. It has involved counseling for deaf couples, Black couples, interracial couples, newly married couples, and senior couples. Regardless of which group these individuals represent, there are three “foxes” that consume the “grapes” (Song of Solomon 2:15). What are these three? They are assumptions, expectations, and seclusion.
Seclusion
Let’s consider these in reverse order. Seclusion here refers to keeping secrets. A partner conceals part of their life from the other’s observation and knowledge. This encompasses a wide range of activities. It may be as simple as a woman buying a dress, sneaking it home, and hanging it in her closet. Then, a month or more later, she wears it. When her husband remarks, “A new dress?” she replies, “Oh, I’ve had this for some time.” The other extreme is the husband developing a pornography addiction. When his wife discovers his habit, he responds, “Oh, that. I was searching for a Christmas present for you, which popped up on the sidebar, and I clicked on it. That’s the price of AI.”
The Apostle Paul gives this instruction in Ephesians 4:25: “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.” If this instruction applies within the church, as Paul writes to the church at Ephesus, it is undoubtedly true for the believing husband and wife.
Examples of and admonitions regarding Lying appear hundreds of times in Scripture through various terms in the original languages. It is consistently condemned as contrary to God’s truthful nature. Consider the serpent in Eden, Abraham’s deception about Sarah, and Ananias and Sapphira’s fatal lie in Acts.
There are spiritual consequences. Lying separates people from God, hardens the heart, and invites divine judgment. Jesus taught radical honesty. The internal impact is that lying creates a conflicted conscience, which psychologists call cognitive dissonance. This can lead to the development of the character trait of being a deceiver. The Bible encourages truth-telling as liberating, fostering trust instead of an atmosphere of distrust, which can negatively affect the marriage in diverse ways.
Expectations
Everyone has expectations. My grandson will enter Auburn in the fall, and the family expects him to work hard, manage his life with discipline, and graduate four years later.
Listen to every young couple as they approach marriage. You will hear many expectations articulated. Unfortunately, quite often, young people are not transparent about their expectations. Some agree with the other’s expectations to get them to the altar. Oh, yes, we already have seclusion in the form of dishonesty. She desires a large family and to be a stay-at-home mom. He goes along but is scared to death of being a parent of a tribe. Or she desires a career (after all, it doubles our money) and expects to change her mind once she is pregnant.
She expects that he will leave his mother and cleave to her, and he expects that she will leave her parents and cleave to him. They both agree with the biblical idea. But the reality is, one or the other fails to cleave.
What is even more troublesome are the unspoken expectations. I grew up at least one notch below the poverty line. If I left a room without turning off the lights, I would hear my dad roar, “Turn off your (expletive) lights. ” That lesson has been ingrained in me. I seldom leave a light on. I’m in my office before Pam gets up. Then she rises, makes breakfast, and calls me to the table. When I leave the office, I turn off the lights. Pam grew up differently and loves lights. Early in our marriage, I expected that this would change. I was wrong! I decided to ignore that unspoken expectation rather than make it an issue.
Assumptions
Assumptions are essentially judgments. They suggest that I understand the other person’s thoughts or motives. This may lead to an angry response from the spouse or hurt feelings for the individual making the assumption. These pesky rascals are always trouble. However, they take on exponential power when one mate has been unfaithful, and they are correctly working towards reconciliation. By assumption, the slightest questionable action of the offender becomes a significant issue.
The offended mate must clarify the questionable action, and the offender must not become defensive when the spouse seeks clarification. After the clarification has been made and accepted, the couple should wisely hold hands and give thanks.
Conclusion and Implementation
While more could be written on these troublemakers, this blog intends to alert readers to this triad of troublemakers. Please ask your spouse to read the article if you identify with one or more. Follow this up with a discussion that begins with prayer, confession of one’s guilt, and seeking forgiveness.