Introduction
A supervisee’s case I read this week illustrated how making assumptions leads to conflict. The wife approached her husband with a demanding tone, saying, “We need to talk about our daughter!” The daughter had informed them the day before that she was pregnant. The husband walked away from the conversation without a word. As evidenced by her demanding tone, the wife assumed he had no interest in addressing the issue. His response was to shut down, while her response was to attack. The result was a major argument/fight.
Setting the Context of the Lesson
Before reading this blog, take the time to read 1 Chronicles 19 first. In the first nine verses, you will observe that making assumptions leads to foolish action. Furthermore, foolish actions lead to a decision to escalate the conflict.
A Common Family Occurrence
Megan and Josey played together frequently in the Davises’ big backyard with the spring-fed freshwater creek. Now and again, the two nine-year-old tomboy girls would get into a fight. One day, Josey ran home with a busted lip and a nosebleed.
Hosea assumed the girls had gotten into a squabble and that Megan had struck Josey with a baseball bat or another object. He stormed into the garage, where Charles was working on the Mustang he was rebuilding, picked up a hammer, and charged at Charles. That was a mistake, as Charles was the lieutenant in charge of the city’s SWAT team. Almost immediately, Hosea found himself bouncing off the garage floor.
As the facts unfolded, Josey had climbed onto one of the boulders in the creek and was playing the role of a conquering general when her wet feet slipped on the rock, causing her to land face-first on another large boulder.
Hosea made an assumption that resulted in a foolish action, escalating into a conflict.
Over the summer months, I frequently sit down with my wife and watch the Hallmark channels. A recurring theme in the plot begins with one member of a romantic couple making faulty assumptions. Someone plants a thought. The other person is seen having coffee with a third party and appearing to express affection. Or, as their eyes lock and you anticipate that kiss that seals the relationship, a cell phone rings. The call is taken, and the caller’s demeanor changes. At that moment, an assumption is made. It takes another thirty minutes to be proven wrong.
Such assumptions create conflicts that, in various ways, lead to foolish actions. In the summer romance, the girl who took the call packs her bags and flees back to the big city without explanation—this irrational action results in another foolish decision: signing a contract that locks her into city life.
This is the essence of real life, which is why it resonates in movies. We all identify with it. It also represents the actual substance of international relations, as seen in our text today. It keeps tensions high! It is the foundation of personal, marital, and church relationship conflicts.
So, what can we learn from this narrative for our own lives?
Strategy to Dismantle the Conflict 10-13
- Take time to assess the situation 10-12 properly
- Develop a plan to resolve the conflict 10-12
David and his generals leverage their combined military experience and knowledge to devise a conflict resolution plan. We have the Bible, in which God has revealed much knowledge and wisdom and given us distinct examples for dealing with conflict.
For example, in Philippians 4, Paul instructs the elders to help two godly women resolve their conflict. Although he provides no details, the book’s tone strongly suggests faulty assumptions and the resulting conflict. Earlier, Paul outlined their strategy to assist these women (2:1-15).
Or, returning to our summer romance, the heroine would do well to look across the table and say, “That was a long time, friend. She shared some disturbing information about you. I need to know if it is accurate or if someone is making assumptions about you. Here is what she told me…..
Critical Component of Resolving Conflict 13
- Be strong, that is, commit to the plan. Stay focused and don’t be diverted by emotions of hurt or frustration.
- Be courageous, that is, be determined to persevere. When it seems you may be losing, stay on the course of doing what is right. Remember that you have the gift of the Holy Spirit, love, and be determined to manifest its fruit: joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
- Be confident, that is, trust God to work in the lives of the others involved. Remember that He is the Good Shepherd who promises to lead you by still waters and green pastures. [It was David who wrote those words, Ps 23].
Foolishness of Escalating Conflict
• Leads to panic 6-7
As we can see in this passage and the illustrations given earlier.
• Leads to total loss 14-19
In the romantic genre of summer films, assumptions often result in one member looking foolish. In the mystery genre of summer films, this manifests as a desperate attempt to win, resulting in murder.
Conclusion
So, what can we learn from this Old Testament narrative for daily living and relationships?
It is this: Beware of assuming or judging another’s motives.
Jesus warned us against making assumptions (Matt 7:1-3). Do not act based on your assumptions of another’s intentions (child, spouse, fellow church member, or fellow citizen).
Yes. Be discerning, but ensure you have evidence to support your hunch. Don’t attribute motive. What you think is the quack of a duck may be the bark of a dog with a sore throat.
Closing illustration
George loved Mandy intensely, but his anger issues made life burdensome for her during the first five years of their marriage. Her boss at the auto assembly plant was more emotionally attentive than George, causing Mandy to often share her frustrations with him. As frequently happens when people commiserate, their relationship matured into an affair.
However, Manday was a believer, so the Holy Spirit brought her to her knees, and she repented, coming to George to seek forgiveness. George said, ‘I forgive you.’ However, he assumed that she was not trustworthy, so any unaccounted-for time, he assumed she was cheating on him. Conversely, Mandy lived in fear, assuming he would unleash his anger upon her.
The result was that when they entered counseling, the conflict potential was out of control. There was much for them to learn, but the first thing we had to address was their tendency to base their relationship on assumptions.
In closing this morning, if you tend to operate from assumptions or know someone who does, would you jot down these references, so you have them for later use?
Matthew 7:1 ESV
“Judge not, that you be not judged.
Proverbs 18:2 ESV
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
Proverbs 18:13 ESV
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.
John 7:24 ESV
Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.
2 Timothy 1:7 ESV
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.